Conversation Field Guide: Calming an anxious person
Anxiety about recording a Legacy Interview is normal.
If a guest sees their role as the protector of the family image or is a person that avoids the spotlight, a Legacy Interview can be intimidating.
Often when couples come to record a Legacy Interview, one person is excited and looking forward to the recording and the other comes in reluctant, suspicious, and even a little cold during introductions.
That apprehension is likely a manifestation of anxiety. If you observe anxiety in a guest, you should be prepared to alleviate their stress and make them feel comfortable.
The first step to reacting is recognizing. Anxiety can hide under a mask of coldness, complaining, or curt responses and it often manifests in men and women differently.
How anxiety shows up in some women:
When the anxious person is a woman, she is often married to a man that had a successful career that took a lot of time in the office, traveling or working in the fields. These women often raised the family and still made time to do the family book keeping or do chores when it was needed.
In addition to family labor, she was her husband’s confidant, a trusted advisor that could also tend to the areas of life where relationships mattered. Her role was to make the family look good and help her husband succeed in business by advising him.
These women are often serious, no-nonsense people. And while they are ordinarily very sweet to encounter in everyday life, where their family and its image is concerned, they are alert and serious. This can be intimidating for a guide who will be asking probing and direct questions.
How anxiety shows up in some men:
Men that are anxious are often quiet and unwilling to say much at all. They may give one or two word answers, or bring up that they are only there because a loved one asked them to be.
Usually set in their ways, these men are often steadfast people with fewer close friends. They are fiercely loyal to their families and are comfortable with silence. Anxious men may suggest that they have no stories to tell, they don’t know who would listen to the interview, or that they think the gift was “too much”.
How to handle their anxiety
An anxious person can be intimidating. They may ask direct questions, suggest that they don’t want to be there or, paradoxically, they will rush to get started.
Before moving into the studio, the guide should have the guests sit down in the waiting area and address their questions and concerns. These concerns may come off as cold or even aggressive, but this will pass if you can address their fears.
As a guide, do not rush through answering their questions. take the time to let them share what they are thinking and feeling. Patiently listening to their concerns and even mirroring what you are hearing will alleviate a lot of their stress.
For example, it can go a long way for you to acknowledge that they are uncomfortable and that you are open to hearing more about why:
“I understand that you are not looking forward to this experience, tell me more about your concerns.”
Your willingness to listen without countering (suggesting that they don’t need to worry or that it will be fine) will help the individual to feel heard. It is amazing how much stress can be alleviated when the guest knows that you know they are feeling uncomfortable.
Address the most common concerns
Sometimes a guest will not have specific worries about the process, they are just generally anxious. In these situations it is valuable to go over some of the core concerns most people have.
The goal is to make them feel confident that they will be successful. It may be unclear to them what success would look like, so the following information will often ground them in what is about to happen.
The interview is yours. Even if this was a gift, you are the person that will receive the interview, unless you otherwise direct us. It will be up to you to choose if and when you share it.
The interview process is entirely confidential. We do not talk about you or your interview, even with the person that purchased the interview for you, unless you give us permission.
When we are conducting the interview, you can tell me you don’t like a question and we will move past it without a second thought, and the question will be cut out of the interview.
After the interview, if you think back on something you said and you don’t want it included, all you have to do is call or email me and the section will be cut out, and no one will ever know it was there.
As the guide, you must determine if you should take more time in the waiting room discussing concerns, or if their anxiety will only be alleviated once you get the interview going, in which case, don’t delay getting started.
There will be a future post about how to use art to get people to voice anxieties they aren’t willing to talk about directly.
Helping the guest relax as the interview is going:
Over time you will notice that almost everyone will relax once they have a chance to hear the questions, and conclude that they can talk about the past and keep the family image strong.
Relaxation comes when they get to tell some early stories that are fun to recall and take them back to a different time in their life.
Not everyone is anxious or intimidating.
A lot of people come in excited to do their Legacy Interview. Women that come in wearing big jewelry or bright colors are often the most open to the process. Often otherwise quiet men will tell hilarious jokes or become more talkative than they are in their normal lives.
Everyone wants their families to sound great, and sometimes their biggest concern isn’t about us, it is about doubting their own ability to record something meaningful. The best way to help them relax is to ask open-ended questions that are easy to answer and fun for them to think about.
Examples:
Who was your best friend in school?
What did your dad do for a living?
What did you eat for dinner/supper most nights?
What kind of friends did your parents have?
Because they were the person helping the family present the best light, they take experiences like this seriously. Once an anxious person feels confident that you will ask good questions and are paying attention, they will tell you deep stories that are filled with lessons.
At Legacy Interviews, the experience matters.
As a guide you should be aware of how you feel when meeting a guest before the interview. If you notice that something is interfering with their experience, you should focus on understanding their concerns and then doing your absolute best to legitimately alleviate them.
Conclusion:
Most couples have one person excited to tell stories and the other person a little more suspect of the project.
Observe how you are feeling. If you are intimidated, it is likely because they are feeling insecure.
Demonstrate by active listening that you understand what they are concerned about.
When appropriate, explain the four points about confidentiality and editing the interview.
Once the interview has begun, be sure to ask questions they can easily answer and find fun so that they can feel confident about their ability to succeed.
